


解離 Dissociation

by touyadadjokes



Category: Hikaru no Go
Genre: Dissociation, Gen
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-10
Updated: 2019-01-10
Packaged: 2019-10-07 22:11:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,367
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17374178
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/touyadadjokes/pseuds/touyadadjokes
Summary: It's almost been a whole year of go, and Hikaru needs to take the insei entry exam to catch up to Touya, but he runs into trouble when he has to ask his father for permission to take the exam. His father has decided that Hikaru has gone insane, and he won't be letting him play any more go!





	解離 Dissociation

“So what is a kifu, anyway!?”

Finally the guys at the Kiin had had enough and slapped some kind of notebook into my hand before seeing me off.

On the long train ride back to Kita ward I had a proper look. “Go Ruled Paper, 100 sheets; Specially Prepared by Nihon Kiin” said the cover. Flipping through the book showed that each page had a blank diagram of a go board on it, with space to fill in names of players, agehama and so on.

A record of a go game! Duh, why didn’t they just tell me that?

 _Well, it is a basic thing that a serious go player would be expected to know._ Sai’s voice came like a vivid piece of auditory imagination in my head. It was like the voice you hear in your head when you read a book or remember music, but stronger and more vivid than that.

I turned to Sai, who stood next to me on the train, or at least his projected image did, since he wasn’t physically there. Like his voice, his image was also like a vivid piece of my own visual imagination, this time imposed on my vision. The train was packed as usual, so when someone passed an arm or something through Sai it did not do anything to him, but we felt uncomfortable about it anyway.

Alright then, Sai, I said, directing my thoughts to him, If it’s something every serious go player should know, how do I fill this out?

_I am not exactly sure, they wrote kifu differently in Torajirou’s time._

That’s okay, maybe I can ask Tsutsui next time I see him, he’ll probably know. At any rate, I’m really glad I’ll be taking the insei exam! With this we are one step closer to Touya…

_But first, we have to ask your parents for permission and the 13,650 yen fee…_

Ah, right, that was going to be the hard part. How would my parents react to that? 13,650 yen was not mere pocket money, asking for something like that from my parents would be no simple matter. I tried to reason it out.

Well, I told Sai, if I ask mom directly she would be pretty shocked but if I explain how important it is to me then it wouldn’t be so bad, she might not truly get it but I think she’ll be sympathetic and take my side when she calls my dad about it.

 _I hope so…_ said Sai pensively, looking somewhat worried.

It’ll be fine! I said. Dad’s away on a business trip, right? And Mom tends to be understanding about these things.

 

My first sign of bad news was when I got home and discovered that Dad was home earlier than expected, sitting on the couch, looking spaced out, miserable and very tired. Immediately I was very nervous. Why was he home early? He didn’t look like he was in a good mood. Not that he was ever in a good mood when he was home.

“My position no longer exists,” he said when he saw the puzzled look on my face, “They had me come home early.”

“What do you mean it no longer exists?” I asked.

“I mean that the company is downsizing, so they’re trying to force me to quit.”

I swallowed and could feel myself sweat from nervousness. Maybe asking him about the insei exam now wouldn’t be a good idea, but the exam was this Sunday and I didn’t have much time...

“Anyway, how was your day? Your mother said you went all the way to something called the Nihon Kiin in Chiyoda Ward. What would you go all the way there for? Is it more go?”

I sighed. My decision was already made for me. “Yes, it’s more go,” I said. “Actually I have a big favor to ask of you.”

“A big favor? Didn’t you just ask your grandfather for a go board? That wasn’t cheap, you know.”

“Yea, but this is bigger than that.” I saw the look on my father’s face grow darker and I breathed in deeply. “There’s an insei exam this sunday, and I need a parent to go with me, and it costs 13,650 yen...”

“13,650 yen!? Why do you need so much money?” My father gaped at me incredulously.

“That’s how much it costs to take the exam,” I said, sweating nervously.

“And what is this exam for?”

“I need it to get into the insei program,” Seeing the confused look in his face, I continued, “The insei program is like a cram school for go players…”

“A cram school for go players? What do you need that for!? Better you go to a cram school for middle school students, with your grades as they are. What’s wrong with that go class at the social insurance center? That one is at least free and in the area.”

“It’s not advanced enough. The insei are studying to be pros. If I want to become a pro I need to enter the insei program.”

“A pro? You are thinking of becoming a professional player?” my dad started laughing, “Better you focus on your studies first, then after high school you’ll see if becoming a pro is still something you want to do.”

“But after high school it’ll be too late! If I want to go pro I have to do it right now!” Then I thought of Touya, his serious, captivating gaze, and immediately felt emotional. If I couldn’t get into the insei program my chance to reach him would be lost. I could not bear the thought of him slipping further away from me…

“What is going on?” called the voice of my mother as she entered the living room.

“This kid says he wants to become a professional go player,” said my father, sneering as if this whole thing was a big joke.

My mother frowned a bit and crossed her arms. “Well, if that’s what he wants to do with his life when he grows up, then…”

“No, you don’t understand,” said my impatient father. “He says he needs 13 thousand yen to take some exam to become a pro right now.”

“It’s actually an exam to enter the insei program,” I corrected, but neither of my parents were paying attention.

“If it’s something he’s really passionate about, I don’t see why not…” my mother suggested meekly.

“And when he fails, pay another 13 thousand for him to fail again? I don’t think so. At this rate I could be losing my job; if I’m going to pay 13 thousand yen I’d rather it be for an actual cram school.”

My mother lowered her head, looking defeated. “I suppose you’re right…”

I was starting to feel disheartened and desperate. My eyes watered. “Please,” I said, “This is really important to me, it’s only for this one exam--”

“Why is this so important to you!?” my dad shouted, “That’s what I don’t understand! What’s gotten into you this whole past year? Why are you suddenly so obsessed with go? You weren’t like this a year ago!”

“I, uh…” I stammered as I tried to think of a response. Touya’s image flashed in my mind again, but I couldn’t talk about him. My father wouldn’t understand, and thinking about being so far away from Touya made me feel very vulnerable right now.

“Are you sure you didn’t get a concussion when you fell in that storehouse?” my father wondered, “I know the doctors said you were healthy, but you’ve been really weird ever since. I hoped it was temporary, but it’s been a year already.”

I started to panic and felt adrenaline shoot through my body. I really did not like where this was headed.

“I think it’s good for him to be passionate about something,” said my mother, “He didn’t have that before.”

“But it doesn’t make sense! Surely you’ve noticed how weird he’s been acting lately. I’ve been waiting for it to pass, but it’s been a whole year and it hasn’t. There’s something wrong in his head and we’ve both been in denial about it!” My father shouted at my mother, pointing his finger vigorously at me.

My body was shaking, I wanted to cry. I really didn’t want this to be happening at all.

My mother seemed pretty stressed also, and was struggling to find something to say. “But...”

“Well, am I wrong? You must have seen him acting strange. What do you think he does with that goban up in his room all day?”

“I assume he studies go…”

“Who makes so much noise when they study go!? He’s always yelling and talking in there!”

I was sweating bullets. I really hoped they hadn’t noticed me talking to Sai.

My mother pinched the shoulder of her sweater in thought. “Well, it seems like a difficult and frustrating game…”

“No, you’re still in denial. There’s no one else in that room, so he is yelling to himself over board games. The boy has gone crazy.”

My heart was pounding, I was in full panic mode. My dad found us out! Sai, this is no good, I thought to him.

 _He has not found us out yet,_ said Sai in my head calmly. I could see him pondering to himself in my mind’s eye. _He does not know we are two people._

I took in a deep breath. Sai was right. Maybe if I acted normal I could convince Dad that he wasn’t onto anything. My chances of taking the insei exam at this point weren’t looking good though, and the thought made my heart hurt.

“Dad,” I said, “I promise I haven’t gone crazy or anything, there’s nothing wrong with me. I just get frustrated when I can’t solve a go problem, that’s all.”

I looked to my mother for help, but she seemed to be overwhelmed, holding a hand over her mouth, in thought. She didn’t seem to know what to say.

“I don’t really know what’s going on,” my father said, “But I think you should stay away from this go stuff because it’s messing with your head. I mean, becoming a pro? Come back to reality! You’re a middle school student! I’m not paying for any insei exam and that is final. This discussion is over.”

Disheartened, I returned to my room, and as was habit, sat down before our goban and started to play out a teaching game with Sai in the hopes that a game would make me feel better.

_The man said that they have the insei exam four times a year, yes? There is always the future._

Yeah, I said, but isn’t the pro exam during the summer? Even if I joined the insei in the spring I might not have enough time to get strong enough for the exam, and I don’t think my dad would change his mind by then. This really sucks…

Then I heard the thumping of heavy footsteps up the stairs, and my dad came barging into my room. “Go!?” he said, “Again!?”

“Dad, no--!” I started to say, but my dad was already destroying the game and forcing the stones back into their bowls. I sat there in shock.

“For the time being, no more go,” said my dad as he finished clearing the stones and picked up the goban, glaring at me, “I want to know where you are at all times. No more spending hours away at that go club or whatever you do, I want you back home straight from school, and no running off to Chiyoda either.

“Dad, you don’t have to do this, I’m fine!”

“We’ll see about that. I’m going to have a psychiatrist or someone see you and find out what your problem is, and do whatever it takes to bring you back to normal. All this go stuff? Not normal for you, and I’m done being in denial about it. I’m not going to just sit and watch my son yell at himself and delude himself into thinking he’s a go player while I’m slowly forced out of my job.” He carried the goban out of my room and shut the door hard. “Good night!”

I sat there, stunned, still processing what had just happened to me. Sai, what do we do? I wondered.

 _I don’t know,_ he said. _I don’t understand what is happening._

Hmm, do you think grandpa would help? I don’t think he would stand for this, he’d probably be happy to help me become a pro.

_And your father would try to stop him, and the two would get into a fight about it. Your father has more control over your situation than he does, so he would probably win._

I guess you’re right, I thought. I don’t know what to do then. We’ll have to survive the psychiatrist, and then we’ll see.

_Just what is a psychiatrist?_

A psychiatrist is some kind of doctor, who… never mind.

When I thought of a doctor, I thought of a man in a white coat, which reminded me of someone. I suddenly had an idea! I turned to Sai’s projected image again. Sai, I wonder if that guy can help! The blond guy with the glasses. Who was with Touya Meijin!

_Mr. Ogata?_

Yeah, that guy. You think he could go with me to the insei exam and pay the fee? Instead of my parents.

_I’m not sure… Do we even have a way of contacting him?_

Oh yeah, I guess we’d have to go all the way back to the Kiin and ask, huh? But now that my dad’s off the deep end we’d have to go during a school day and skip class to get there and back, and he’ll probably find out about that.

_There is also the fact that he seems like a busy and impatient man, I don’t know if he would even go that far to help. And since he’s not your relative, it might not work._

I guess you’re right. I don’t know what to do…

 _It’s okay, Hikaru,_ Sai reassured me, _we’ll figure something out._

**Author's Note:**

> After a long absence I'm back to writing hikago fanfic. I know I left Tsumego unfinished, but that story has long since served its cathartic purpose and after having improved in my own mental health and also attained a much deeper understanding of Hikaru no Go than I had before, I have lost interest in writing that kind of story. This new story is also expected to head into dark places, but will hopefully be a lot more optimistic than Tsumego was.
> 
> This story starts just before the Dec 1999 insei exam when Hikaru is 13 years old. It picks up right off Chapter 41, Tankoubon volume 5 page 146 (Kanzenban 5 page 34), and diverges from there.
> 
> 13,650 yen is about 125 US dollars. Yes, Hikaru's father is a bit cheap, at least for anything that he thinks is unproductive like go.
> 
> People familiar with my old work may have noticed that I stopped using honorifics. That is because over the past couple of years that I've been studying Japanese, I've long since changed my mind about the use of Japanese honorifics in English. I feel that honorifics are only a small fraction of what is lost in translation from Japanese to English, and that they sound unnatural in English. Native or proficient Japanese speakers writing in English do not usually write that way, after all.
> 
> I will be busy this month so I don't know how quickly I will be able to put out chapters. I hope that is alright!
> 
> Jan 15: minor corrections to repetitive phrasing


End file.
